Stupid couch!

 Adventures of Matt and Cassey - I didn't exactly have what you'd call a "good day" yesterday. I felt a little down from the moment I woke up, and it stuck. It was partly because of the miserable Canadian winter, but mostly it was the result of heartsickness. Long-distance is hard sometimes (all of the times) and being apart again this time was really wearing on me. It usually follows this sort of cycle: we're together and we're happy, then we say goodbye and it's like we're parting with a piece of ourselves; we're sad and adjusting to being apart, longing, distancing ourselves from our feelings, and finally, breaking down. Yesterday was the breakdown. It was just miserable for both of us.

We got on Skype sometime around noon and Casey was really excited to talk about New Girl (Spoilers...Nick and Jess finally kissed! ) but I was kind of sad so I wasn't in the mood to get excited. Sometimes seeing each other on our computers makes us sad and we both ended up realizing how much we missed being together in person, so we hung up. I was left feeling even sadder because I was (and am) so tired of our situation (and I don't like leaving issues unresolved). I pushed my laptop away from me and got up. I had to get away from it for a bit. I got frustrated and thinking I'd just get that out by hitting something (because that sometimes helps), I turned around and looked at my couch, raised my fist and hit it... right on the armrest--the least cushioned part on that big comfy, cushiony couch. The thin layer of cushion did little to ease the impact. I felt the pain shoot into my hand and immediately realized how stupid I had been. I silently screamed and started pacing the room, holding my wrist in my left hand.

I managed to keep my mind off of the pain though by focusing on how depressed I felt and started to cry. I cried for almost an hour and a half, just feeling everything that I wasn't feeling for days. I was tired of distracting myself and keeping busy. I was tired of ignoring my feelings and pushing the sadness to the back of my mind. I was tired of not having any control over the situation. So I let it all out, and I kept doing it. I kept crying because I'd rather feel what was really going on than pretend that everything was okay and just keep ignoring it. Ignoring it can get you through the day, but continually doing that was making me feel numb and I'd rather feel something real than nothing at all.

Also read : My Note October 12, 2012

And that's the problem: sometimes it's so hard to feel in a long-distance relationship. Sometimes things don't even feel as real. It can be so hard to keep the relationship feeling as real as it does when we're together and once we get stuck in a rut it can be so hard to get out and back to normal. Usually though the problem is with spending too much time with ourselves when we're apart. Being selfish (or focused on the self, the sadness we feel, the longing we feel, etc.) and getting stuck seeing the situation rather than the other individual. To go from being together and being able to love each other, and think of the other before we think of ourselves, back to being alone in a life where it's just you, is really hard.

The trick to making this kind of relationship work (and any relationship really) is that you have to work harder when you're apart (and it's harder to work harder when you're on your own). Don't confuse how you feel about the other person with frustration with the situation (usually the situation is the problem). Don't get too caught up in your own sad feelings and forget about the other person, try to focus on him/her more. Work harder at communication and try to bring each other into your daily lives--this is one of the hardest adjustments. That's good advice for staying close in any relationship, but in a long-distance relationship it's especially important. Just remember never to take each other for granted and to love each other no matter what. Oh and don't go punching any couches.

-M

Baca Selengkapnya »

October 12, 2012

I wrote in Adventures of Matt and Cassey this back in October after heading home overnight on the bus. Be warned, it's happy:

And as I sat there beside her in the car I tried with all my energy to be as acutely attentive as possible so that I could take in as much of her as possible. How she looked. How she felt. How she smelled. All in the hope that maybe if I noticed as much of her as possible, and felt as much as I could in those last brief moments, that they would somehow rub off onto me. That maybe by taking in as much of her as possible those parts might stay with me. That if I just held onto them tight enough I might be able to keep them, somehow, after she was gone. But that didn't happen, and when she was out of sight and out of reach she was still gone and those moments we had together became memories and drifted away, just out of reach of becoming tangible again. Read also : Toyota: Let's Go Places

Because that’s not how people work. You can’t just take parts of them into you and keep them when they’re gone, as if they hold the place of that person when they’re not there anymore. When they’re gone, they’re gone and you can’t bring them back in all their wholeness with little bits of them. Even though I tried to notice her as completely as I could in those last moments, once she was gone, those parts were too. The smells, the warmth and feel of her body and the feeling of her presence in proximity to me. All that was gone with her. And there was a single moment when I realized that my last attempt at holding on to her was failing, and a really scary thought entered my head. I thought, “she’s going to be gone. Just gone. In just a few minutes I am going to be alone. And how can I keep loving her when she’s gone?”

Thankfully I overcame that despair, because that’s one of the strange things about loving someone. They are completely gone from you when they are away, yet at the same time they’re still present. Speak For Me, There is this thing connecting you even when you’re not together. The wonderful, strange thing about love is that it keeps going. It doesn't stop when they are too far away for you to love them—you just keep loving them no matter what, even if they can’t receive it. You just put your love out there. You reserve it for them and you offer it up to them, and that’s how you know that even though they aren't here now, you’re still together. They’re still somewhere and they are still loved, just as you are. That thought is why after she was out of sight I remembered that we weren't saying good bye, and that we would be together again. Because you can only love a person, and I know I love her and that love has to be going somewhere. It doesn't stop just because I can’t reach her. 

Anyway, there are my sappy thoughts during the sadness of having to readjust to long-distance. I just thought I'd share them.

-M

Baca Selengkapnya »